okay, i lied to you all. it’s been two months since i promised regular updates. those did not take place.
i had every intention of going to a bar and trying to meet someone, but it turns out all the things that kept me from dating for the past 25 years of my life didn’t just go away because i started this newsletter, so i kept running into obstacles: work, writing deadlines, mental illness, physical illness, my dad literally stalking me, insane rainstorms... finally, i told myself that if i wasn’t going to leave my apartment, i at least had to hit my swipe limit on bumble. so i suffered through that, and here i am with the result: i had a date today.
below you will find my (mostly unedited) thoughts from before and after.
PRE-DATE
today, i am going on a date with nathan*, who swiped right on me during a time when my bio was “looking for the kind of ideal husband father john misty was talking about” so whether this will be good for me mentally in the long run is anyone’s guess.
our initial (very brief) conversation covered the basics of our taste in music and museums. when i told him my favorite strokes album was first impressions of earth but i had a soft spot for angles, he asked me if i wanted to go on a date. i asked what he had in mind, he said definitely a museum but he wasn’t sure which one, and i suggested the wende (what’s more romantic than cold war art, am i right?). we agreed on the far-off-at-the-time date and time of noon on wednesday, feb 28. that is now in four and a half hours.
for the past week, i’ve managed to squirrel away this date into the corner of my mind and not think about it. it’s just meeting someone, i’ve told myself over and over again, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. just because it’s your first time doing this doesn’t mean it’s a big deal.
but now that it is staring me in the face and there’s no getting out of it, it’s feeling like a very big deal, actually. i have so many fears.
THE FEARS
i haven’t had time to do laundry in like three weeks and all of my usual clothes are too stinky to wear so i’ll have to take a risk on a new fit and what if it’s bad
emotional support black uniqlo turtleneck i need you
I need to wash my hair because it’s a mess (i wore a hat yesterday) but sometimes my wash day hair goes all frizzy and shapeless
what if it doesn’t dry in time?
what if i use my drier and it goes even frizzier??
i stress ate two sandwiches last night and i can already feel them making their way downtown so that was definitely a mistake
what if i spend the whole date farting
or WORSE (this has already not been the greatest gi week for me)
what if he’s not lying about being 6’5
i am 4’11 this will genuinely be embarrassing
what if he tries to kiss me and i can’t reach
right now my plan if he asks about my dating history is to be like “it’s not something i’ve prioritized in the past” but what if i am conversationally forced to admit that he is my first date ever and he thinks i am INSANE
what do people do on dates to differentiate them from networking coffees??? i’m sorry i am so corporate-brained but this is literally a question i have not been able to stop thinking about
what if i run him over with my scooter by mistake
what if i run him over with my scooter ON PURPOSE
the thing about these fears, however, is that most of them are about me messing up this date and him running screaming for the hills. and ultimately, that isn’t really that scary of an option. all it would do is return me to my comfortable stasis of singletude, where i like it. the scariest possible result here is actually that it goes really well. what if we connect? what if i have to find a way to open up and change my life for a new person?
the more i think about it, the most optimal end result for my anxiety right is for a bunch of very silly things to go wrong, have a fun story to tell, and never talk to this person again. should i probably challenge that? yes! do i feel prepared to at this moment? no!
thankfully, the first silly error has already occurred–turns out the wende is closed mon-weds–so we’re off to a great start! I’ve sent him a message admitting my folly and suggesting the hammer museum, but neither of us has responded in fewer than five hours at any point during the conversation thus far, so i’m predicting some communication hijinks!
see you all tonight (or rather, a few line breaks down).
POST-DATE
in the worst possible outcome for my anxiety, none of the things i was afraid of happened. instead, there was a new, fresh turn of events i hadn’t even bothered to consider: he stood me up. 12pm came and went without sight of him or a message (i waited until 12:30 before calling it quits).
now, thanks to my aforementioned comfort in my stasis, this is not necessarily the worst thing that could have happened to me today. oh no, i didn’t have to go on a date with a strange man i don’t know ! oh no, i had to sit in my car in the parking lot and write for half an hour instead! perish the thought!
but if i think about, like, who i am, and my relationship with dating and trusting people and putting myself out there, this is probably… not great, huh? like, rejection is not a new experience for me, so this is hardly a trauma, but that’s just it: it’s nothing new. nothing about this experience challenged my previously held beliefs about myself or relationships or dating–and that’s exactly what this whole experiment was supposed to do! i ended exactly where i started, and i didn’t even get to practice my values-sleuthing small talk.
so am i heartbroken and sobbing? not even remotely. but is this basically a non-update of an update? unfortunately. sorry, guys, maybe next time!
AREAS WITH POTENTIAL
hot bartender at the pizza/bar around the corner from me who recognizes me whenever i have to stop there to pee on my way home
marketing girl at my job who plays stardew valley and romances haley bc she likes mean girls (i can change for her….)
grants man at my job who does not speak but has a nice smile
*named for nathan detroit of guys and dolls. perhaps too flattering
i gasped! bastard